The Snowden Junior Snoops: The Rah! Rah! Rah! Mystery
(by Mister Mistoffelees)
By Charity K. Mabrey
1 Love is Funny!
Well, that's what Snotface and Weirdo (I guess you know them by Felicity and Serenity) keep telling me anyway, and boy, did it ever get us Junior Snoops into a heck of a mystery! I'm lucky I'm here to write about it! Well, actually me, Jill, Merri, Alyssa, and a whole bunch of us are lucky to be alive for me to write about it!
Anyway, I guess the whole thing started with Camp Evergreen this year. Mostly, it started when Clinton (<3!) came running to save me when that kidnapper (I can't believe it was Hannah Watson'soops, I mean Hannah O'Hara'sdad who was the kidnapper! No wonder I sort of recognized him!) was taking me away. I know it sounds like I'm real, well, Mom calls it fickle, but I actually did sort of like Clinton before camp. He's always been nice, and he's pretty smart, and sort of cute too (and easy to get home runs off of in Little League Baseball, but don't tell him that!), and then when he took on a grown-up kidnapper to save me, well, it just sort of made me think! And then I found out that he's like-liked me all through school, which is why he ran to save me, and well, it just makes me all tingly just thinking about it! And then I find out that he really likes airplanes and spaceships just like I do, and it's no wonder I like-like him back! And speaking about how love really is funny, I even like his obnoxious little sister Ciara!
Well anyway, that's where everything sort of started, when I started really like-liking Clinton. And you know, when you really like-like somebody, you want to be around them a lot, and you want to do things they like. That was funny to me too, because it got me thinking about my sister Weirdo and those games she likes to play with her boyfriend Joey Housely, how it sort of makes sense now that I know how she feels about it. No, not about playing tie-up! Well, it sort of freaked Mom out probably about as much as knowing Weirdo and Joey like playing tie-up, but hey!
See, Clinton plays pee-wee football for the team in Snowden, see? He plays tight end and defensive end (and yes, I know enough about football to know what those positions are! I watch football every Saturday and Sunday on TV with Dad!), and he's actually pretty good! That didn't use to matter back before I knew I like-liked Clinton, especially because I play soccer in the summer and the first part of fall, but then I did start to like-like him, and, well, it's like I said before about wanting to do things with him. For a second I thought about actually playing football, and before you say anything stupid about it, girls can play football! But I knew Mom wouldn't go for it, and maybe even not Dad either, so I had the next best idea! And boy, you should have seen Mom when I told her about it!
"You want to do what?" she said, just like as if I'd just told her I wanted to go bungee-jumping or something! It was one of those girls-days-out we started having with Mom after all that mess at camp, and we were all at the food court in the Allen Valley Mall just eating and talking. See, it really scared Mom that those kidnappers got all three of us, if only for a little while, so now she wants to spend as much time as she can with us. Then I told her what I wanted to do! "Are you serious, Charity Kendra?" She only uses my middle name (which I get from Dad, whose name is Kenneth) when I'm either in real bad trouble or I just did something she couldn't even believe! Weirdo was holding her mouth laughing at what I said, but Snotface sort of spoke up for me!
"Well come on, Mom!" Snotface said, sort of laughing herself. (And did you see how I put Snotface's words in a different paragraph than Mom's? That'll show that little snot Jill Burton she's not the only one who knows how to write right!) "What's so wrong with it?"
"I didn't say anything was wrong with it, Felicity!" Mom said back (and see? New paragraph! Take that, Jillian Burton!). "It's just that
"I can't wait to see you in a cheerleader outfit, Jerkface!" Weirdo laughed (New paragraph! Ha ha!). "And I don't ever want to hear you talk about Joey and me!"
"A football cheerleader," Mom said like as if she was going to be sick, and that needs a sort of explanation. See, Mom is, well anyway, when Mom and Dad are arguing about that stupid politics stuff and they're getting really mad about it, Dad calls Mom a "lefty-libby-libber," and sometimes a "Feminazi", whatever that is. I think he gets it off one of those dumb talk-radio shows he listens to in the car. Of course, when he does that, Mom calls him a "dittohead" or something like that. It's all just stupid politics stuff, anyway, but the thing is, Mom gets kind of weird sometimes about things like cheerleading, and pageants, and a lot of girl-stuff like that. She calls it "gender-role stereotyping" or something like that (you'd have to read one of her articles about that to know exactly what she calls it). She'd have been less bothered, I think, if I'd asked to join the actual football team instead of joining the cheerleading squad, but that's just Mom for you! Like I said, she gets weird about that kind of stuff sometimes. "Why in the world would you want to do that?"
"Oh, come on, Mom!" Weirdo laughed again. "She wants to be around Clinton! If she can't play on the team, she'll cheer for him! Right, Jerkface?"
"Yeah, that's all it is, Mom!" I said. "I mean, I want to show Clinton I'm proud of him and be there for him, you know? It sure beats just sitting in the stands watching! This way I can cheer for him too!" If I just begged enough, I knew she'd let me! And maybe cry a little bit if she didn't give me my way, but that's sort of a last resort. You shouldn't do that sort of thing all the time because people sort of catch on to it.
"Don't you have to pass tryouts or something?" Mom said, like as if she was trying to discourage me.
"Not for the pee-wee team," Weirdo spoke up. "That's only for the middle-school-age team, so it wouldn't be until next year Jerkface would have to try out. For the rookie and intermediate teams, they let any girl cheer who wants to."
"And you don't even have to worry about driving her around looking like a cheerleader mom!" Snotface said, "I'll drive her!" Yes, Snotface has her driver's license, which means I stay off the sidewalk whenever I know she's driving, ha ha! But I shouldn't say that about her, because she was helping me get Mom to agree to it!
"I'm going to regret this!" Mom said, giving up because she knew I'd just be more and more obnoxious until I got what I wanted anyway. And this was before we even got into the mystery!